Flash Fiction by Chuck Heintzelman
This piece of flash fiction is actually an exercise in passive sentences. There’s two major things wrong with it:
1) Too many passive sentences
2) It uses a premise seen far too often. (Turkey City Lexicon.)To fix this story eliminate all the passive voice constructs and then decide which story is better to read: this passive voice story, or your active voice story.
Eelom departed his rest chamber because he could not sleep and headed to the ship’s galley. There, a sleep-inducing tablet was retrieved from the medical dispenser. The pill was swallowed by him, almost causing him to choke before he coughed it down his throat. On the way back to his chamber, a red light above the operation’s room door was noticed by him.
Unauthorized, he thought. No activities were scheduled during sleep cycles. The door was opened by him, revealing Bosh working at a table.
“Bosh! What are you doing?”
Bosh stepped back from the table, revealing a hairy figure lying prostrate.
Eelom’s dark eyes were widened to an alarming size. ”What have you done?”
“I have lowered the animal’s larynx. A much broader range of sounds will be able to be produced by the ape.”
Fingers of apprehension were felt along the back of Eelom’s neck. It was an interesting concept, but Bosh acted without permission. ”You cannot keep doing these experiments without authorization.”
“The change has been encoded directly into the ape’s genes. Its offspring will have the same modification.”
“Genetic manipulation is strictly forbidden by the Elders!”
“Yes, but consider. They will be able to develop linguistic skills. Maybe even verbal communication … language. Who knows where this may lead.”
Eelom’s large, gray head pounded. Bosh’s brash disregard of the rules must be addressed, but the experiment had merit. He would have to be punished, but not now. “Very well. You may return this animal to the surface of the planet.”
Bosh nodded. “Thank you, sir.” He reached out and stroked the unconscious primate’s fur. “I will call him Adam.”
~ The End ~